Fundraiser for Percy
by Rachele Stein
Summary: Entire story is up! Percy embezzles money, turns into a pig, then has to raise money through a talent show at Hogwarts. R for language and gratuitous nudity.
1. Stealing people's livers

Disclaimer: Nobody's stealin' nobody's story around here.  
  
***  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Stealing people's livers  
  
The headline said everything:  
  
St. Mungo's  
  
Flat Broke  
  
* * *  
  
17 Patients' Livers Stolen  
  
"Scared Shitless," Say Staff  
  
Yes, thanks to the wretched Percy Weasley.   
  
Ever since he had been hired at St. Mungo's by Cornelius "Rash Hands" Fudge, he had been embezzling money and stealing people's organs like crazy.  
  
Really, ever since Percy started getting chummy with Martha Stewart and Noelle Bush, the others saw these storm clouds a-brewin'.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were in St. Mungo's that day for their weekly magical acupuncture sessions. When they saw the headlines, they barged into Percy's office. They were already in a crap mood: Hermione still had a big needle sticking out of her forehead, and all of Ron's 19 chakras were screaming in agony.  
  
Hermione clenched her fists, and veins were bulging on her neck and temples. "What the *fuck* is going on?"  
  
Percy tried handling the problem by changing the subject. "Language, Miss Granger."  
  
"What the *fuck* is going on, you stupid, hairy testicle?"  
  
He offered her a box of sweets. "Chocolate?"  
  
Convulsing with rage, she swatted the box out of his hand, chocolates flying everywhere. Ron had to hold her back from punching Percy in the nose.  
  
Percy tried to look shocked. "You don't understand! I've been framed!"  
  
"My sweet white arse you're being framed!" It was Harry talking this time. "You're going down, Percy."  
  
Everyone was quiet. Then the air was pierced by a terrified scream. Hermione rolled her eyes. "Another person waking up to discover they don't have a liver, I suppose?"  
  
"It was all Fudge's idea," Percy sputtered.  
  
"Oh, Percy," Ron sighed. "You are gonna be someone's bitch in Azbakan."  
  
Ende  
  
A/N: Wizarding people have 19 chakras, not seven like us. I cannot even pronounce the names of some of them. 


	2. Prison ho

Chapter 2  
  
Prison Ho  
  
Percy's trial took twelve minutes. The jury foreman read the verdict:  
  
"Guilty as hell."  
  
Then the judge announced that Percy must pay back the money within 30 days or go to Azbakan for 400 years--basically, a life sentence.  
  
"But the money's all gone up my nose!" Percy cried, hoping for sympathy. The judge said he was sorry and had made a mistake: now Percy had *15* days to raise the money.  
  
To make things worse, rumor got out that Percy was indeed already earmarked as a bitch for some convicted killer named Ethelred the Uninhibited. And Ethelred was bragging that he already picked out a new name for his shorty: for the rest of his life, Percy would be known as Yasmin.  
  
Ende  
  
A/N: Why Yasmin, you may ask? I don't know; I don't understand prison lingo. 


	3. Percy the pig

Chapter 3  
  
Percy the pig  
  
So now Percy had exactly two weeks and one day to get his shit in order. After the judge passed sentence, he Apparated home by himself, sat down with a half-gallon of tiramisu ice cream, and ate it while crying hysterically.  
  
The next day, he woke up at about two in the afternoon and realized what he had to do: ask his family for help. The fact that he had completely cut them off for over a year meant absolutely nothing to him. He took a quick shower, got dressed in some outrageous celadon and midnight-blue robes that Martha Stewart had designed for him, then Apparated to the Burrow.  
  
Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, along with Ron, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, and George, were just finishing off an all-tofu suckling pig smothered in sweet and sour sauce. Ron was about to open a fresh case of Watney's Red Barrel when, out of nowhere, there was Percy with a big fake smile on his face.  
  
"Well," Arthur Weasley sneered, "look what the cat drug in."  
  
"Dragged," Hermione corrected gently.  
  
Sensing a possible ally, Percy turned to Hermione. "I need help! Please, everyone, you must have an idea!" He looked at them with one of the most pathetic, unconvincing looks they had ever seen.  
  
Hermione nodded understandingly, then lifted up her wand while smiling gently at him. Percy smiled back hopefully, although he wasn't sure if he liked her wand pointed at him.  
  
Hermione did a complicated wrist movement, then flicked the wand at him and said, "Rufus polanicus porcinata."  
  
Before Percy had time to react, he had turned into a miniature Poland Red pig--not more than 200 pounds, small enough for a pet door, really a very handy guard animal. Mrs. Weasley jumped up, screamed, and dropped a huge tofu cutlet on the dusty floor. "That spell is irreversible!"  
  
Hermione looked at her with the infinite patience of someone dealing with a ridiculous mother. "Well, it's either that or Azbakan."  
  
"Ass-bakan," Ron joked feebly. "Uranus."  
  
Everyone stared at him. Then they remembered Percy, who was whining pitifully in the corner, and now they all felt sorry for him.   
  
"Or we could . . ." Hermione started, looking at Harry thoughtfully.  
  
Fortunately, Harry was telepathic. "Raise the money to pay back St. Mungo's."  
  
Ron looked baffled. "We can't raise 1.2 million pounds in fifteen days! The judge is just tormenting this little bitch--I mean, my brother."  
  
Hermione put a hand on her hip and looked at him like he was stupid. Really, she thought, if I ever end up with one of these Weasleys, just shoot me. "Ron. It's so obvious. We'll have a talent contest. With Percy incognito as the MC. Percy!" she snapped, and he flinched. "Can you still talk?"  
  
"Of course I can," he whimpered.  
  
Hermione's eyes widened maniacally. "And the show will be a huge success because NOBODY HAS DONE IT BEFORE!"  
  
Harry's eyes were equally manic. "We'll sell tickets to those dolts coming over for the Harry Potter tours. We'll charge those bastards double!  
  
"Five hundred pounds a ticket!"  
  
"No--six hundred! And we'll take whatever's left over and go to Aruba."  
  
Now Mrs. Weasley was crying with joy. "I always wanted to go to Aruba."  
  
The radio suddenly came on magically, and it was playing "The Girl from Ipanema." They all formed a festive conga line, with Percy in the lead.  
  
Ende 


	4. Who has talent?

Chapter 4  
  
Who has talent?  
  
Fortunately, their sixth year of school started the very next day, so the trio posted flyers for the audition. Dumbledore thought Percy was better off as a pig and was appalled by the idea of tourists coming to Hogwarts, but agreed when Ron threw a tantrum and banged his head on the flagstone floor.  
  
Nearly 100 students showed up for the audition. Harry decided not to try out because he preferred his new job as Percy's "keeper," a situation that terrified Percy because Harry would sit very close to him, scratch him slowly behind the ears, and say, "Daddy's gonna make you squeal like a pig."  
  
While Harry entertained himself with Percy, the auditions began. Ron, Hermione, Draco, Neville, and Luna went first because they are major characters and nobody really cares about the others. The five of them stood side by side on the stage while the others faded insignificantly into the background.  
  
Dumbledore walked back and forth in front of them, reading from some applications they had filled out. "So, Mr. Weasley, you can play the musical saw and do sixty-second chainsaw sculptures?" he asked, deadpan.  
  
Ron thrust out his chest and pointed at himself proudly. "I'm the best!"  
  
"I'm sure you are. And Miss Granger, your stage act is simply described as 'Lil' Granger.' Could you elaborate?"  
  
"Gangsta rap," Hermione replied. Dumbledore was too embarrassed to admit that he didn't know what that was, so he let it go.  
  
"Gangster rap?" Draco sneered. "You are more pathetic than I realized."  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat he said, "And you, Mr. Malfoy, will be doing, let's see here. . . ."  
  
"I *told* you not to read it aloud!" Draco cried.  
  
Dumbledore looked at him over his glasses, then read, "'An interpretive modern art dance, theme: the anguish of father/son incest and having a cold, fucked-up whore of a mother in denial.'"  
  
Hermione broke the exquisite silence. "Now who's pathetic?"  
  
Draco punched her in the stomach, but she managed to produce a knife and lunged at him. He dodged out of the way, and the knife landed in the liver of a hapless second year, who was carted away in a hurry because he added nothing to the plot.  
  
Dumbledore tapped his foot impatiently. "Are you two done?"  
  
He turned to Neville. "Mr. Longbottom. Your description says 'Chris Rock impersonations--vanilla-flavored but still da shit.'"  
  
"He does a mad Chris Rock," Harry agreed.  
  
Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, then turned to Luna. "And you, Miss Lovegood--"  
  
"--I, Miss Lovegood," she piped up, not noticing Draco's slack-jawed gaze, "will levitate without the use of a wand or spell, channel Adolf Hitler, and make the room shake with only the power of my chi."  
  
The 95 other auditioners slowly backed off the stage and out of the auditorium.  
  
"Ah, very nice," Dumbledore replied, deadpan. "Should be an excellent finale for a truly unique show."  
  
Ende  
  
PS: If you can tell me where the "squeal like a pig" line came from, your house wins 500 points. 


	5. Finding judges

Chapter 5  
  
Finding judges  
  
"But who will judge this wonderful spectacle?" Dumbledore asked, with the faintest hint of a smirk.  
  
They wandered outside and saw something walking toward them. It was big, it was pink, and it was extremely erect. First it looked like an enormous llama head and neck. Then it looked like a huge penis on two legs. Finally, they recognized it as a nude Snape. He had only one testicle, and nobody wanted to ask what happened to the other one.  
  
They asked him if he would judge the talent show. "No fucking way!" he cried.  
  
"Draco will be dancing in it," Harry baited him.  
  
"Oh. Well, then."  
  
They used crowbars and cheap beer to convince the others: Hagrid, Dobby, and Winky. All three were, of course, secretly furious because the talent show was happening at the same time as their favorite reality TV show.  
  
The tiebreaking judge, if that was needed, would be Sirius Black, exhumed from his grave at the Hogsbuttocks cemetery. He looked like hell and stunk worse, and he was constantly brushing off maggots.  
  
Nobody used the same system to rate contestants. Dobby said he would use a five-sock rating system. Winky chose to compare each performer to her favorite drinks. Hagrid wanted to use Roman numerals even though he couldn't understand how they worked, and Snape would stomp his foot several times like a horse. Finally, Sirius would count off a number from one to 1,000 on his fingers.  
  
"But that will take forever," Dumbledore complained.  
  
Sirius giggled girlishly. "I'm dead, remember?"  
  
Ende 


	6. The poor sad hospital patients

Chapter 6  
  
The poor sad hospital patients  
  
When the patients at St. Mungo's heard that their only hope was a pathetic, last-minute talent show, they lost the will to live. Some of them bought poisonous plants to hasten their demise. Cornelius Fudge started overeating out of depression and gained about forty pounds in a week, then had a minor heart attack. Gilderoy Lockhart became so desperate that he briefly remembered who he was so that he could get out. Then he realized the futility of all life in the material realm and checked himself back in.  
  
While undergoing penis replacement surgery, Lucius Malfoy heard about his son's part in the talent show and was outraged!  
  
Ende 


	7. The big night!

Chapter 7  
  
The big night  
  
All 900 tickets sold out! At 600 pounds a ticket, it wasn't cheap, but the pushover tourists bought almost all of them; as for the rest, Luna and Hermione had threatened the other students, especially the first-years, to buy tickets or else.  
  
Before the show started, all of the performers were scared to death and vomiting backstage. Neville started weeping and drooling. Ron snapped and thought he was Fess Parker, and he started revving the chainsaw and quoting scenes from "The Alamo." Hermione wondered if she should just put on some real clothes and sing a ballad. Luna was channeling St. Agatha during her martyrdom.* And Draco was suspiciously quiet....  
  
Ende  
  
* If anyone knows what happened to St. Agatha during her martyrdom, please keep it to yourself. 


	8. Ron the saw master

Chapter 8  
  
Ron, the saw master  
  
When Ron stepped onstage, he still thought he was Fess Parker, then when the bright lights and applause his him he went insane! He started sawing everything: curtains, some nearby stage furniture, even the stage itself. People just started laughing and applauding, then somebody threw a pineapple on stage. He put it on a stool and carved it in the shape of Tony Blair's head.  
  
There was uproarious applause--from the tourists, of course.  
  
When Ron was done, the judges introduced the audience to their unique rating systems. Dobby threw a pile of laundry on the stand in front of him. "I give him four socks and a footie!"  
  
Uproarious applause.  
  
Winky said, "That's definitely an apple martini!"  
  
More tiresome applause.  
  
Hagrid held up a paper that said "FIF."  
  
"What on earth is that?" asked Dumbledore.  
  
"Ah, that's, ah, the Roman numeral five, y'see."  
  
Confused silence.  
  
"On a five-point scale," he reassured everyone.  
  
Snape stomped his foot only four times, then gave Ron a dirty look.  
  
"I know Fess Parker," he started angrily. "I've worked with Fess Parker, and I'm friends with Fess Parker. You are no Fess Parker."  
  
More uproarious applause.  
  
Ende 


	9. Lil Granger

Chapter 9  
  
Lil' Granger  
  
After Ron left the stage, shaking his fist at Snape and threatening him in a Texas accent, Hermione stepped onstage dressed in skimpy black leather nipple tassles, black vinyl shorts, heels, and sunglasses. She was also wearing a thick, gaudy gold necklace with a gold Gryffindor lion pendant the size of a hotplate. The tourists could not believe their eyes.  
  
Draco had an erection out of sheer terror.  
  
Fred and George were so excited that they wet their pants and start to weep uncontrollably.  
  
Neville looked surprised, then discreetly started to masturbate.  
  
Hermione stomped back and forth across the stage, nipple tassles waving like crazy. "Some bent mu'fucka in South Philly sayin', 'English rap some funky shit,'" she started, while the Muggle-born audience howled and cheered and the other half looked completely baffled. "I 'tacked mu'fu's ass, I threw nigga's shoes down the gutter, then I rapped, I did MY rap, what the fuck! Right there. So don't *fuck* with Lil' Granger."  
  
Then she cued the DJ, and started rapping and completely shocking the audience for nearly an hour.  
  
:::::A/N: Due to Fanfiction.net restrictions on NC-17 content, I cannot list the actual lyrics of the songs, but her songlist sums it up pretty well:::::  
  
My Boot, Yo' Booty  
  
Wet 'n' Juicy  
  
Kickin' It Back, Slytherin  
  
Cappin' Yo' Ass  
  
I Got Big Titties (dance version)  
  
I Say Fuck Exams  
  
Wastin' Fudge  
  
Wastin' the Whole Mu'fuckin' School (insanely long version)  
  
To All the Girls I've Loved Before (duet with Julio Iglesias)  
  
When she was done, there was stunned silence, then the tourists stood all at once and gave her a five-minute standing ovation. Hermione bowed, then pulled off her tassles and tossed them into the audience. Draco was so overcome that he fainted.  
  
Dobby stood up to applaud and his pants fell to the floor. He pulled them up with an embarrassed smile. "That was definitely five socks!"  
  
Winky was getting sloshed, but was able to slur, "That was an apple martini, double!"  
  
Hagrid held up a sign that said, "NIN."  
  
"I thought it was a five-point scale," Dumbledore replied patiently.  
  
"It was," Hagrid admitted.  
  
Snape kept stomping his foot, over and over, like he couldn't stop, so Dumbledore just counted it as a ten.  
  
Hermione had a perfect score!  
  
Ende 


	10. The sensual man

A/N: Apologies to Scott McKenzie for using his lyrics.  
  
Chapter 10  
  
The sensual man  
  
Then a terrible thing happened. Tom Felton took one look at this fanfiction script, said "I'm outta here," and completely quit the whole Harry Potter thing once and for all.  
  
He had been offered a real part in Hollywood: Keanu Reeves's kid brother in The Matrix III. This fanfiction--this very one that you are reading right now--was the final insult that sent him packing to Hollywood.  
  
"What is the point of wasting my life on a bunch of stupid kids' movies?" he thought. They were threatening to fire him for getting too tall anyway. He got out of Scotland so fast it made everyone's head spin.  
  
So Filmdom!Draco was gone for good. And Fandom!Draco was busy having a threesome with two Ravenclaws (one of which was me--no joking). So there was no alternative but Canon!Draco.  
  
Think about it: skinnier, whiter, shorter, no muscle tone, with an irritating voice that could kill cockroaches.  
  
He pouted and curled his lip.  
  
Then he whined, "I'm going to tell my father."  
  
Dobby watched all that had transpired and stepped aside with Percy to figure out what to do. Percy had some leftover prescription narcotics from Noelle Bush's last trip to England, but that wouldn't help: they needed to get Draco on stage, not put him into an everlasting stupor just because he came from a fucked-up rich family and needed help.  
  
"I have some Rohypnol," offered Percy, digging deeper into his trough. Dobby frowned disapprovingly, thinking back to the painful memory of when Draco had absconded with him. "Wait!" Percy cried, pulling out two small pills. "How about Ecstasy?"  
  
"Here is a nice drink for Master Draco," Dobby said sweetly, handing him a glass of what looked like strawberry guava juice.  
  
"My favorite. Thanks, Dobby."  
  
About five minutes later, Draco went into a deeply loving state, decided there should be no more lies in the world, and pulled off his purple satin boxers under his robe before stepping onstage.  
  
He stepped onto the stage in his robe (also purple satin) and white footies, with just one spotlight on him. "This is dedicated to my father." He let the robe fall and could hear the audience gasp at the sight of his skinny, pale nude body. "This dance is called 'I Love You, Daddy.'"  
  
He cued the music, then started a lilting, half-ballet half-modern dance across the stage.  
  
***  
  
"If you're going to San Francisco  
  
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair  
  
If you're going to San Francisco  
  
You're gonna meet some gentle people there"  
  
***  
  
He spun around in his socks like he was ice skating, then started doing daring somersaults across the stage.  
  
***  
  
"For those who come to San Francisco  
  
Summertime will be a love-in there  
  
In the streets of San Francisco  
  
Gentle people with flowers in their hair"  
  
***  
  
He did another row of somersaults, but his head got caught in the enormous gash in the floor that Ron had made with his chainsaw. With his ass sticking straight up in the air, he screamed in agony and tried to get his head free without decapitating himself. Finally, he pulled himself loose, sat on the stage, and wept freely.  
  
***  
  
"All across the nation such a strange vibration  
  
People in motion  
  
There's a whole generation with a new explanation  
  
People in motion people in motion"  
  
***  
  
He wiped his eyes, rose unsteadily to his feet, and started to spin gracefully again.  
  
Of course, the tourists were all sobbing hysterically, and they applauded uproariously through their ridiculous tears.  
  
***  
  
"For those who come to San Francisco  
  
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair  
  
If you come to San Francisco  
  
Summertime will be a love-in there"  
  
***  
  
He started spinning, over and over, as fast as he could. . . .  
  
***  
  
"If you come to San Francisco  
  
Summertime will be a love-in there."  
  
***  
  
Now, for the finale, he was spinning madly, and he almost fell off the stage but kept going, his penis whipping around like crazy. Luna got so excited that she started rattling the chandeliers through telekinesis. Finally, he just collapsed in a heap on the stage.  
  
In the audience, Lucius couldn't decide if he was aroused or humiliated. At the very least, the tourists seemed to love it--but that wasn't saying much. The thunderous applause shook the room.  
  
Then Draco staggered off the stage, and once behind the curtains, he fainted into Luna's arms.  
  
Dobby gave another standing ovation. "It's all true, he's not lying!" he cried, and gave him five socks.  
  
Winky, however, was not impressed. "It's a Coors' Light--and I won't go any higher!" she slurred, belching, as Draco stood there looking disappointed. The audience started to boo her, and the Tony Blair-shaped pineapple hit her on the head with a wet splat.  
  
Hagrid simply wrote "11" on a piece of paper. "Is that two or eleven?" Dumbledore inquired.  
  
"Eleven, of course! Can'cher see what th'boy's goin' through?"  
  
Snape stomped exactly ten times.  
  
Ende 


	11. A problem with the judges

Chapter 11  
  
A problem with the judges  
  
Before anyone else could go on stage, Winky got so drunk off her ass that she decided to do a striptease. She got onstage, wearing her hideous frock made of old soiled teatowels, and started to undress. A disgruntled member of the audience hit her with a stale roll, and suddenly she got amnesia and thought she was Gary Coleman.*  
  
"Gimme a blond wig and some lingerie!" she cried, and Hagrid immediately obliged. She put everything on, then continued the striptease.  
  
An outright angry fan hit her harder with a raw potato, and her amnesia got so bad that she thought she was a naked molerat. And this was just too much nudity for one evening. So she was pulled kicking and screaming off the stage by Snape. Then she threw up on Hagrid and peed on his shoes, so he panicked and chucked her out of the window like a football.  
  
Ende  
  
* If anyone knows what "she thought she was Gary Coleman" and the blond wig/lingerie reference is all about, keep it to yourself! 


	12. Pig roast

Chapter 12  
  
Pig roast  
  
Due to the excitement, Percy's DNA changed and he started to change back into a human--or at least just his head and shoulders. "It's him!" an old witch cried from the sixth row. "The bastard what stole my liver!"  
  
"He stole one of my kidneys!" shouted someone else.  
  
"He borrowed both my ears!" a third person cried. "Let's do it back to him!"  
  
The furious audience rose as one to kill Percy. Even vegetarians such as his own parents joined in the festive slaughter, and he was instantly dragged outside and impaled on a spit for a nice, after-show barbecue.  
  
After the fire got going and it was time to go inside, Neville asked uncertainly, "Should the show go on?"  
  
"Of course!" Lucius cried magnanimously, parting the crowd with his dashing, springy walk. "St. Mungo's needs the money, damnit!"  
  
Neville threw up again, then went back inside to go onstage.  
  
Ende 


	13. Standup routine

Chapter 13  
  
Standup routine  
  
Neville got confused and started doing Richard Pryor instead of Chris Rock, and he said the word "pussy" forty-eight times in only twenty minutes, but he was a big hit anyway.  
  
When he was done, he said, "This goes out to my shorty, but she don't know it yet, Miss Hermione Granger."  
  
Hermione came out on stage, threw him to the ground, and straddled him before giving him a huge kiss.  
  
Neville scored lower than Draco, but higher than Ron, who were both sulking in the back with a case of Coors' Light.  
  
Ende 


	14. A visit from Satan

Chapter 14  
  
A visit from Satan  
  
Luna turned off all of the lights in the auditorium, even the emergency exit lights. The room suddenly felt freezing cold, like Dementors were walking throught it. Then the room started to shake, back and forth, shifting side to side under them like an earthquake.  
  
The stage lit up in a blood-red light that came directly from Luna, whose eyes were also red. She said in a low, possessed voice, "I am Beelzebub," then channeled a long speech from him. After that, she gave an impassioned speech in German directly from Adolf Hitler, then it was back to the Old Testament for some lovely thoughts on death and destruction from Baal.  
  
Backstage, lounging across a fainting couch, Draco watched her and felt his heart beat madly. Wasn't she wonderful?  
  
She ended up with the exact same score as Hermione because nobody wanted to piss off either of them.  
  
Ende 


	15. The tie

Chapter 15  
  
The tie  
  
Of course, the tie only succeeded in pissing off both of them. Furthermore, because Winky was passed out in a lockup at the Hogsmeade police station, Sirius was already acting as the fourth judge and couldn't be the tiebreaker.  
  
What to do?  
  
Luna suddenly smiled. "How about the ghost of Helga Hufflepuff? Since she was from a different house than either of us."  
  
Helga was much different from what everyone expected: she blew into the room with a loud fartlike blast, and she looked sort of like a cigar-addicted Shelley Winters.  
  
She hocked a huge yellow spit, then said levelly, "I might just disqualify both of youse for not acting like little ladies."  
  
Ende 


	16. The winnah!

Chapter 16  
  
The winnah!  
  
Then, for no apparent reason, Helga/Shelley started to cry and talk about how they both reminded her of her dead daughter. She would not shut up.  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "The contest, Helga?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. OK, you twose gotta have a run-off."  
  
Hermione shrugged. "Fine." She asked Luna, "Mind if I go first?"  
  
Of course Luna minded; she wanted to kill Hermione right then and there. But she politely replied, "I don't give a fuck."  
  
Hermione came out in her same outfit, except no nipple tassles, and rapped some insanely violent song. During the last chorus, she pulled a gun out of the back of her shorts and fired into the audience several times, grazing one tourist's head and shattering another's wrist; both kept the bullets as souvenirs.  
  
Next, Luna came out and did an amazing Exorcist impersonation, shattering a priceless chandelier. People started vomiting and crying uncontrollably.  
  
"Whadda I do?" cried Helga/Shelley. "They were both great!"  
  
Ende 


	17. The winnah! Part two

Chapter 17  
  
The winnah, part two!  
  
The judges decided they were a little more afraid of Hermione because she actually shot some people, so they declared her the winner.  
  
"Fuck this!" Luna cried, punching her in the neck.  
  
They circled each other with stares of vicious hatred, and each of them pulled small, handmade prison knives from their clothes before lunging fiercely. When it was all over, both girls were severely injured with scratched and lacerated veins, so Mrs. Weasley Apparated everyone onstage to the St. Mungo's emergency room.  
  
There, they were welcomed like heroes for selling over 900 tickets and earning 5 million pounds! So everything came full-circle.  
  
After hours of delicate surgery to their nearly shredded veins, everyone crowded into their hospital room, eating Cadbury chocolates and barbecued Percy, cramming as many nude people into the hospital beds as possible (just for a joke), and singing "Way Down upon the Swanee River" while Ron played his musical saw and Harry played a special bass ukulele imported from Hawaii.  
  
They were all so happy, so perfectly full of joy, that everyone in the room ascended into Heaven simultaneously, and the Lord sayeth, "I am pleased."  
  
Ende  
  
For Real Ende  
  
No More Chapters Ende 


End file.
